More than 2 years ago I received a message: if the engine shows signs of failure it’s better to remove it.

It made no sense at all. I didn’t know the number either. The message went to the wrong number. That’s how it all started. He picked me up from the floor. Piece by piece. Passion. Caring. Time. He helped me through the worst part of my life. I was a dying, worthless rag on the floor yet he saw some value in me. He fought for me. I fought with him until I eventually trusted him.

And then two years on he gave me his trust too. He opened up. He talked. Not just listened. And he was going through something. The more I learnt the more he hurt me. He shattered me. All the tiny little confidence I gathered was shattered into tiny little pieces. He stopped caring. I no longer mattered. I told him I wasn’t ok but he just kept talking about his life. Things I didn’t want to hear anymore. Stories of her. I felt ashamed of myself. Humiliated. He put me right back where he found me. I wanted to cut myself again. Deep. To hurt me. Because I deserve it. Selfish and a failure. I failed as a woman and I failed as a friend because I couldn’t handle his pain. I couldn’t help. I was worthless again. Then they stopped talking. And he was cold and hard with the woman he loves and wants more than anything. How could have I expected anything more when I’m much less than she is?! He made me scared. Scared of losing him. I felt he’s distancing himself. And he closed me out again. The trust I had I lost. He’s not talking to me anymore. I don’t know where I failed. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I shouldn’t have loved him at all. Maybe it was foolish but my soul is not something I can control if it wants to fly.

All I know is without him I feel like I’m worth nothing at all. A big chunk of my heart has become a wasteland. I miss him a lot. And I wish I could get the man I love back. To be with him again. To be any value for him again and not just that useless rag in the floor…


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