Fear is one very basic human feeling. Some say it’s one of the very basic feelings we have as part of being human while others and I tend to agree with these is part of our learning process while growing up. Fear can be good sometimes as it may keep you safe (not walking alone in dark alleys in bad areas is a typical example) while other times it can be fairly destructive. It can paralyse you. Or in my case it can easily lock you in your own tower behind big massive walls.
One of my favourite wellness blogger/guru and best-selling author, Kris Carr has recently posted an interesting post on this; how to overcome your fear.
The biggest thing for me in the article is having her opening up about her fear. Seeing that other people, someone so amazing and successful person has fears and the courage to open up about it.
I live in fear. In the fear of humiliation. Recently, around 6 weeks ago I was deeply and humiliatingly body shamed by one of the people I love the most. Unintentionally. He just showed a picture of someone he cares about deeply and it left me feeling worthless, not good enough, ugly, disgusting and shameful. First time in two years I wanted to cut myself again. Hurt myself again. The feeling is still lingering on. That moment I knew I would never ever be able to undress in front of anyone ever again. I would never ever be able to let anyone close to me again. How could I when I’m so disgusting?! I try to put on a normal face and on the surface I just feel tired and gloomy but somewhat ok. Although deep down I’m lost. Alone. Lonely.
I don’t want to die alone. Lonely. I must have values that are worth sharing. But I’m too afraid to go out. I’m scared someone else comes along to confirm how worthless I am. I fear the pain of humiliation again.
No, it does not even cross my mind that someone would confirm the opposite. I’m good as a friend. At least that’s what they say. But I’m not good to be a woman. I’m never good enough to be a woman.
Sorry for this depressing post. I can’t talk about it. I am not able to talk about it. It’s too painful and humiliating. So I’m locking myself into the safety of my own tower, closing the door. I won’t get hurt again. And I die alone there. Fighting with my foodaholic binge eating sessions and desperate for connection. Human connection. Feeling valued. Feeling just good enough.
I can’t tell it to anyone, so I tell it to everyone….