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You know, it’s hard fighting with depression and anxiety. It’s hard to explain. We need understanding in a matter that we don’t fully understand ourselves. How could we? It’s not logical. That you feel bad and you stay in bed all day and you still feel bad in the evening. You haven’t done anything different but you don’t see that.

The constant self-doubt drives me crazy. It’s like my mind and my soul are fighting. There was this guy, Dan, who I loved spending time with. I was happy, not committed and living in the present. The he lied to me. I told him how to handle a certain situation and he didn’t do that, he chose to lie instead. It was over then. My mind knows it wasn’t my fault but my heart says I’m not good enough. I talked to friends about it. They said it’s him and not me. It gave me some re-assurance but didn’t end the doubt. I think I did things right and I still wasn’t good enough. I’m not worth. So I just keep asking the same question over and over again. And they keep giving me the same answer until they got pissed off at me. Then I know they don’t love me. I’m alone.

I don’t know how to avoid it. I think I just got lucky with my friends. They’re patient. When I think straight I explain them what’s happening and when I have an episode they just try to be patient. They show love and support. Although I lost quite a lot of friends over the years. It’s not easy with me.

I fight. Every day. I do something that is good and not part of my depression and anxiety. Something that drags me out. But it’s tiring. Constantly focusing on what and how you do and why and whether what you think is real or not or if it’s right to stand up for yourself or you’re just overreacting it again. Unfortunately sleeping is not easy either. Your mind just can’t stop thinking. Propelling. Not resting at all. Often I have very vivid dreams. Dreams I can’t necessarily differentiate from reality.

I try to be tolerant but when I see someone who just suffers and doesn’t do anything at all to change things I can’t be patient. Not for a long.

I try. And I try hard. I fail but then I try again. I need a lot of love and caring but also my own space. Belonging to someone but not eternally committed. Just to share moments of happiness and fun, have a good laugh, a walk, cook together, a nice wine. The kind of things you do with people who are important for you. I’m not ready for love. The guy I mentioned, he hurt me and I’m just not ready to be hurt again.

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