He didn’t even say happy birthday to me. It hurts so much. Actually it totally crushed me. But at least this year I didn’t break down. Last year I was in a very bad state and in between of two birthday messages, in that split second I felt everyone hated me, lied to me and the whole world was empty and meaningless. This year I was actually able to accept most of the messages and they made me happy knowing all those people thought of me for a little bit. I think it’s a real huge step in the right direction.
My birthday treat was a therapy session. And I ran into an invisible wall again. I have a friend, one of my best friends but sometimes with her narrow mindedness can wind me up so much! In the name of love she would pretty much most of humanity. Like all Muslims are bad and terrorists and they want to destroy the world. (Pretty cornered and harsh opinion) No matter how many Muslim friends I have and I explained her Islam is not about hate but it’s a beautiful religion as well, she doesn’t get it. It totally winds me up. And then I was talking to my therapist and I had to realise I do the exact same thing. Literally. No matter how many people try to prove me I’m worthy and lovable or how hard they try I resist. I don’t care about proof, I know I’m not worthy. Exact same narrow minded opinion, total ignorance of proof. It did hurt running into this one.
There is a Hungarian saying which is ‘you see the tiniest stick in others’ eyes but you can’t even spot the beam in yours’. I always hated people who thought like that and I’m one of them. So it’s one thing I have to change.
New life is fairly challenging so far. Living with 6 cats is not too East mainly when they try to steal my food on the morning. One of them actually ate a slice of avocado. The other keeps jumping on my bum… But I’m trying to be in control. Maybe one day… 🙂
Diet is not going well this week neither does exercise but I’m not too worried. I rather try to concentrate on my homework for therapy: I have to find 5 good things every day that proves I’m loveable (wise, kind, caring, worthy?,helpful, etc). This will supposedly start rewiring my brain. I have two successful day so far. I’m on day 2 🙂
By the way, my cousin had the same opinion of Muslims. Narrow minded. Then she married one. Real eye-opener! Now she feels bad about the way she used to think… Epic!


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