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This week is more stress and I’m getting tired because of the lack of sleep and the nightmares. Plus I’m struggling with a cold. I’m eating more than usual and I don’t do any workouts because I feel like I’m glad to be alive in the evening and it takes a real effort to get up in the morning. So this week won’t be my most successful week of all time but I’m not too worried because I think you get ups and downs in diet just like in every other area of life. The only thing that annoys me is I’m getting behind my running plan because I literally do nothing…

Moving date is getting closer and I’m getting a bit more anxious about it. It’s exciting but like every change it’s scary. Although my moving is pretty symbolic. I plan to start a new life and put my life together and find myself, etc. My first proper day in the house will be my birthday. I’m leaving the past behind on my birthday to start a new life. My new landlady is lovely and she can’t wait for me to move in as well.

I also did something really brave. I enrolled to an online course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to become a counsellor/therapist. I haven’t started studying yet but once I’m moved and settled I’ll do it. Maybe that’s a new career I’m embracing.

Another thing just came to mind yesterday in the morning. I feel guilty. My original trauma was losing my dog because of my fault. And then I nurtured it for a long time with all the other negative core beliefs I had. Then when my dad died, well, before he died I was at his deathbed in the hospital and I knew I was about to lose him and I couldn’t say I loved him. I had a controversial relationship with him, a strange mix of love and anger. I was too proud. Too angry. Too scared. Then when my friend asked me at home how he was and how I was doing I burst out crying saying I couldn’t say I loved him. It’s something that bothers me ever since. I don’t regret many things in my life and even when I made bad decision I managed to learn from it most of the times and I accepted it but this is something I can’t move on from. Then a few years later because of my stupid pride I was angry at my brother and I didn’t talk to him for a while and then I realised I was stupid and we spoke and I was so happy to see him again but before I went home on holiday he suddenly died. I could never forgive myself I wasted valuable months with my brother and that I couldn’t see him once again. I miss him terribly…

I think that’s why I no longer want to be proud, why I keep asking for forgiveness, why I rather humiliate myself than be proud enough to walk away if there’s no chance. Maybe that’s why I can’t let go of N or anyone else in my life because what if I never get the chance to set things straight (let’s just exclude the fact everything’s straight and nothing left to be fixed or there’s no chance to fix it or anything like that…)

I think that will be an interesting thought to discuss with my therapist next time we meet.

But in spite of these issues I feel I’m cute today. Or rather today is cute. Everything’s cute. I’m cute. Ellie Goulding’s new song is cute too. The one from the 50 Shades of Grey movie, Love me like you do. Cuteness.

By the way, did you know today is Nutella World Day?! Seriously. I read an article about it this morning. They also mention some interesting food as well, like Nutella pizza. Or my personal ‘yuk’ is spicy bacon in Nutella coat… enjoy if you can…

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/11387912/World-Nutella-Day-5-surprising-things-you-can-do-with-the-spread.html

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