I think the fact I’ve been nurturing my low self-esteem for more than 20 years and now I’m in a stage to battle gives me an opportunity. An opportunity to start a new life, a quest to find who I am and to build a new personality. To try things I haven’t tried before. In a way I feel lucky to be in this position. It’s still scary and painful and I know it’ll be a hard work but I have the chance to restart.
I can let all the desires and interests out of the bottle I kept locked away all these years.
Like I’ve always been interested in tantric sex and all the techniques of it but I have never truly believed I could be any worthy to do lingam or yoni massage. I never tried it and I’ve never done anything about it because I knew I wouldn’t be good at it and I’d be a failure. But now I think I’d like to try. I don’t know if I’ll be any good or not but I don’t even think of that. I just want to try it and we’ll see how it goes. So as a first step I bought a book (hell of a book – worm am I) called Tantric Sex A Beginners Guide by Shubbhaa Fischer .
I feel a little bit crazy about it but it’s also very exciting to do something I wanted to for a long time I just never thought I could do.
It also turns out to be a help book for me as well so far. There are really simple but utterly interesting things in it that made me think:

We all need to be cared about, to be comforted, to be loved, to be caressed and worshipped – but how many of us know how to ask for these things? Or indeed that it is our right to expect them? But first we have to be prepared to give them. We cannot give unless we know what is wanted of us, what is expected. To know that, we have to be prepared to listen, to be aware of our partner’s needs.

Be happy with what you see, be proud of the nakedness of the pure you. The world will not see your like again because there’s only one of you, perfect and unique. Enjoy yourself.

I think it will take a long time to love myself and the new me and be happy with what I see. A lot of exploration and many things to learn…


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