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Just had a bath. I smell creamy with a soft skin, honey creme scent surrounds me making me feel like I’m very special. Candles are lit. My hair is soft, light and wavy, gently framing my face. I feel serene.
An all for nothing. My bed is empty and I’m all alone. I may as well just lie here dirty and messy, stinking and nobody would notice. Maybe I’m just destined to be alone. Maybe I’m just truly not worthy of love.
The one I love, the one I’ve always been looking for cares for me not and yet I cannot let go of him. I try but I’m too attached. I rip my heart apart and deep down he’s still there. I just have to accept it.
They say the difference between a strong woman and a weak one is the strong woman wants the man, the weak one needs a man. I need N. The one I cannot be strong with. The one I don’t need to be strong with. The one who showed me what home means, the home where I’m safe and sound.
D is different. I want him. Another great choice as he lives far away. Yet he can distract me, he’s something truly special and I wish he were here right now to prove I’m wanted and I can be somewhat worthy.
But he could he love? How could anyone love me when I don’t love myself? I’m fighting. The war is in me with me. My worst and darkest enemy. My heart says I deserve to be loved but my mind says I’m unworthy. Or I feel I’m a failure while my mind says I must not feel this way because I’m a valuable person like everyone else. Tormenting.
And no matter what I think, how I feel, it does not change the fact I go to bed alone without being loved tonight…

When your soul finds the soul it was waiting for
When someone walks into your heart through an open door
When your hand finds the hand it was meant to hold
Don’t let go
Someone comes into your world
Suddenly your world has changed forever

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