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Today will be a big challenge and the next few days as I’ll be at home for 4 days. Plenty of times to think and in the last couples of days I’m not really feeling stable. I’m a bit worried I’d relapse. I have plans but I’m worried I can’t stick to them.

When I get home I’d like to go our running, starting the whole Couch-to-5K from the very beginning and I’d like to do some yoga and a nice bath with candles and pampering; putting on a homemade face mask (banana, yoghurt and honey). Probably I’d bake some cookies as well so I’d have some nice and comforting food, maybe cleaning and going to bed nice and relaxed. I’m really afraid of tonight. I don’t see the rest of the days a real problem but tonight. The ‘scary’ Christmas Eve. I hope I’ll be alright.

I started planning my next year. As my therapy goes on I think I might have enough strength to take care of myself.

I plan what I’ll eat before I fall into a routine to keep eating the same things every day.

I have school reunion in the end of May and I’d like to be somewhat healthy by then. So I’ll be back on a diet and running and doing yoga. Hence my mind is so messed up I think doing a plan and trying to stick to it will help to put some order in my life, to see a path I can follow and the variety of foods will always make some challenge to do. I try to make a variety of foods and not to keep repeating the same ones. For the moment I already have 10 weeks worth of lunch (which is my main meal) and I have 20 weeks to go in total. I’d like to drop two sizes in the meantime. (and I keep browsing while writing this post…)

I’d like to do regular exercise; running/walking for half an hour twice a week and 30 minutes yoga three times a week and some 5-10 minutes exercise in the mornings. So it’s not something very strict and power training but I hope it will work.

Since I’m back from my holiday, 3 weeks by now I feel better and I don’t do binge eating so often and if I do I feel guilty after that. Not for the normal eating or some treats now and then but when I like eat 5 cookies for breakfast or 3 chocolate bars in the afternoon (on top of my usual portions). I also noticed I don’t really eat the same amount of food and I don’t eat (my kind of) junk food either (like my grossest one is noodles soup which is vegetable stock, noodles, and some cheese in it. I know, I know, it is really gross but I’m just craving for it!)

I use a few recipes from my usual ones, Tara Stiles recipes and now I’m searching Jamie Oliver vegetarian recipes. There are some really nice recipes on Jamie Oliver’s website but the majority of them, I’d say an estimated like 70% cakes and deserts. I think it just strengthens the common conception of vegetarian diet: salads and cakes. Well, at least that’s what my family thinks.

I think once I’m done I’ll release it weekly what I’ll cook, what the recipe is or what ingredients are needed. I’m actually thinking of baking cookies regularly and having them instead of buying Nakd bars on some weeks.

2014 wasn’t an easy year for me. I fought hard, I failed many times and there’s still a long road left ahead to live a normal and healthy life again. I thank all my friends for being there for me, for helping, for supporting, for caring, for listening but mainly for steadily loving me. I don’t think I could have survived this year without their friendship. I can’t make promises like it won’t happen again or I’ll be fine in 2015. The only thing I can promise is I try to fight as hard as I’m able to not to relapse and not get back on my healthy track. I hope I’ll succeed in the end.

I wish you all who celebrate a Merry Christmas!

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