I’m trying to make up my mind with a new idea: if something fails it might not be entirely my fault. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
For a minute I actually believed that this idea might be true and real and normal and it felt good. Today after work I felt satisfied, I knew I did what I planned for the day, I checked, I fixed, I corrected and analysed and when I handed it over to my manager I felt confident. I know it wasn’t perfect but the imperfection was down to data and not me or my process. And I felt happy. I had a cigarette and I felt relaxed and calm and it was so good. That’s when I started thinking. And for five minutes I felt a hope that my mind can be turned, changed, fixed to be normal. I have a chance for being normal.
It might be N and me were not to be meant at all. I made mistakes, I did hurt him and I understand and I try to accept it even if it kills me but first time I considered it might have not meant to be.
I had another therapy session last night and we went through my issues. I’m relieved a little bit. Last time I was scared; of falling again, of hoping, of failing,  of being happy and of being relieved. Now it’s different. We couldn’t find the trauma I had but we talked a lot, about my perfectionism and nightmares and what I’m aiming for and what I’d like to achieve.
We also talked about self-harm. In the last couple of weeks I feel the urge to harm myself. I keep talking myself out of it but I don’t know how long I can hold on. As we talked and we went through my traumas suddenly I realised something: the reason I do harm myself, the reason I feel I have to punish myself is because I’m bad. I did bad things, I’m not good, I offended others and I deserve punishment. That’s how I was brought up; reward for being good and punishment for being bad.
A few weeks ago I had a nightmare. It was N. I found him and he was wounded. He was whipped and he was covered with new wound and old ones and marks of previous wounds and I felt pain because I knew it’s my fault. I caused those wounds and opened old ones and I might not have beaten him but he was wounded because of me. I cried in my dream and I woke up with tears in my eyes and on the pillow. I didn’t want to hurt him and I can’t keep apologising for what I did.
But today, for five minutes I believed it might not have been entirely my fault.
I still regret hurting him and I can’t get away from feeling guilty.
The therapy or just the right questions and the right conversation made me able to put two pieces of the puzzle together. I have found the first pieces! I’m on step 17 now to reach happiness and normality on step 1000. Wohoooo,  long road to recovery but I’m back on track. For the moment. Hopefully for a long time.


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