My therapist said my symptoms indicate I might have had a trauma but I can’t recall anything significant. However I thought I’d collect everything I can remember that might have caused my symptoms hoping it might bring something back:
– Age 2: I fell under the ice and I was holding onto the edge when a passerby saw me and told my dad I kind of need help
– Age 7: we moved to a village and I lost my long-term boyfriend/fiancé (3 years)
– Age 9: my dog was hit and run in front of me and died in my arms
– Age 9: a month later my paternal grandmother died too
– Age 12: I went out surfing on the stormy sea and I was dragged to the bottom by a huge wave. End of my non-existing surfing career but no issues with water at all. And I still want to try surfing
– Forever: My dad used to beat me. sometimes by his hand and sometimes using his leather belt although most of the times it was a punishment for something I did, like I lied or I came home very late. The other side was the reward, when I did good I was rewarded. I can’t recall being beaten without a reason or without a non-valid valid reason (or I might not have agreed with it)
– Age 10: I was deadly scared at home alone in the dark because I thought someone is sneaking behind me or tries to break into our house so I locked all the doors and grabbed a hammer just in case. Nothing happened. Parents were at the neighbour and it was around 6pm during winter. Safe area, nothing to be afraid of. In theory.
– Age 12: Cows tried to ‘kill’ me. A herd of cows started chasing us with my cousin (we did nothing against them and that wasn’t the first time we were playing in the same field) so we had to run and get through a barbed wire fence, a dirty spring with no bridge and giant nettle while my nose was bleeding like hell (family heritage)
– 3 months: I was born with some hip joint issues and to fix it I was sleeping in a special harness-like belt for a few months so I wouldn’t have developmental dysplasia hip. I was told that I cried a lot during this time. Is it possible that’s the trauma I had?
– Age 2: I was left alone for a week with grandparents who I was familiar and I was constantly crying until on day 2 my parents managed to call me and explained me they were on holiday and I should stop crying as they’d be back. After that I was calm. Pretty much all my ‘abandoned’ stories were due to lack of communication. Once I was told where they’re gone I didn’t care any longer. This eagerness and anxious will for knowledge is with me forever.
Pretty much these are all the traumas I could collect from my life. Obviously there were later life tragedies and fights and disappointments and I burnt out once but none of them (except the cows) really show I should be afraid of being chased or attacked and I have already had this fear when my parents left me alone. Last night I had a nightmare again. Somebody was chasing me and I managed to escape. I went home to a bungalow in the forest. But I knew they might return and I was scared and nervous. I went out, and I saw the trees all around and I was thinking whether I‘d be able to run away in the dark when I’m attacked again and because I wasn’t sure I closed my eyes and started running out of the woods to test and if I’d fail I could come up with another plan. I managed to get out of the forest and then I got a bit calmer because I knew I could run away in the night as well but I was still anxious and afraid.
I mentioned it a couple of times I have strange feelings with people, usually I always talked about good vibes and great connections. There’s someone I really feel close to from the very first moment and I talked to him about my problems and he is empathic and understanding and helps me a lot. He’s amazing. I still think he’s some kind of guardian angel for me. I don’t feel ashamed. Well, I do, a little bit but I look up at him and I’m able to admit my shame and talk about anything. It’s like being totally naked and without shield or weapon and not being afraid to show how vulnerable I am. I only had it with N before but that was different. He was physically there. and I loved him. I still do.
But what I actually wanted to say is there’s this guy on the bus who freaks me out. he hasn’t done anything but I feel so uncomfortable and intimidated when he gets on the bus. No matter how far he is I feel unsecure and a bit afraid I think. The moment I see him in the bus stop I feel that nervous pain in my stomach. Strange ‘connection’ with someone again. Although I prefer the positive ones when I found someone sweet and amazing.