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I have plans for the future but I don’t feel motivated at all. I got to the stage where I no longer want to die (I think. At least this very moment and in the last few weeks) but I don’t know why I should live. I need a purpose in my life, a motivation and I need to get in touch with myself.

I’m happy to talk about my problems, anytime because I think talking about it helps. Even if it’s hard sometimes or it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes I notice I realise something while talking about it. While trying to figure out what’s happening. But that’s my way. I need to understand what’s wrong to be able to fix it. On the other hand, when I talk or write about my depression and anxiety it’s like taking it off my shoulders and putting it in the wardrobe. I still have it. I know I have it in the wardrobe and I have to sort it out but at least momentarily I don’t carry it.  And many times I get unexpected help. Also very surprising how many people have depression and anxiety disorders, low-self esteem, social problems.

What I noticed many people are relived when they finally have the opportunity to talk about their issues to someone who’s got the same problem. Either because they just need to share it with someone who understands and who won’t judge them or because they’re further ahead the road to recover and they want to share their experience because they still remember what it feels to be in the dark.

For me, it was great to be able to say out loudly what my problems are. Being aware what is causing this issue was the most important step for me. Others say the most important is that I’m talking about it but for me it’s not a big deal. Recognising what my problems are was the big deal. From the moment I was able to describe them and express them they became a material something I can work with. Low self-esteem: let’s find guidance, self-help books, tutorials, talk about it, ask friends what to do. Feeling ashamed. Blaming myself. Not being worthy. Wasting myself. I’m angry at myself because I have a good brain, I’m talented at writing and I have a nice body shape but I don’t study, I no longer have dreams, I eat rather than dieting to have a nice body and I don’t write because I always come up with excuses. I try to live up to certain expectations which I think to be realistic. I’m obsessed with perfectionism but because I can’t reach it I feel to be a failure.

I think it helped me during therapy as well that I knew what my problem was. I was able to say this and that rather than just saying I’m not alright and I don’t want to live. I have specific issues I have to handle so it’s easier to target them because I know what they are. But it took and is still taking a lot of time and effort to figure out what they are. Not to mention why they are there. or what to do with them. How to overcome them. I’m obsessing with problem solving and analysis I think. I feel like I’m given all the opportunities to be a very successful and happy person and I don’t do anything to reach my goals or not to waste my talents/skills. What’s wrong with me?

I read books from people who know what I’m talking about and/or I have a special respect towards them. Like Tara Stiles. She’s a yoga tutor in New York and she’s got loads of yoga and cooking videos on YouTube and for some reason whatever she says or does I just accept it and find it great. It’s weird there are people in the world (regardless they’re famous or not) who has this kind of effect on me. Dom is the same. I just wish he was here with me sometimes. Well, maybe his aura would collapse in real life but he’s a really special person (still the only one whose compliment I truly accepted) The other I really like is Brene Brown who is a research professor and she’s studying shame. I bumped into her TED talk more than a year ago and that’s what helped me materialise one of my issues: being ashamed. However her book is very hard because it’s very personal for me but I’m getting there.

I hope my therapy will go well on Wednesday. I’m getting anxious about it. At least I managed to get some sleep on the weekend and hopefully I can get some decent nights this week too.

I’m also back on my vitamins which I didn’t really take in the last 2 months and I think that actually helps to have some healthy intake.

It’s been a week since I’m back from holiday and I have my anxiety back but I’m tackling depression so far.

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