I have a low self-esteem. I blame myself for everything. I’m not worthy of love and I don’t deserve the love I get. I cannot accept compliments. I doubt it immediately. There was only one compliment I ever accepted in my life. One. In 32 years.
I always lose the ones I love.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I hurt people.
I’d like to be perfect. I know perfect doesn’t exist and it’s not achievable and nobody’s perfect but others are perfect with their imperfection. If I were able to be perfect I might have a chance to be somewhat worthy of love.
I’m sort of stuck between everything in my life. I’m lost. I don’t where I’m heading.
I had big plans when I was young and I achieved them by 25. It’s like I forgot to die. Or I’m forgotten at all. Someone should have told me that ‘Babe, you achieved your mission in life now it’s time to die’ but they forgot it.
My sister says I’m struggling because my dad pushed me so hard like he did to her and he always compared me to her. I think I was over it. I fought back when I was a kid and we ended those arguments.
I might be struggling with the death of my dad and my brother. I might just downplay how badly it effected me like I do with everything that hurts me.
I want to settle down, I want to be in a relationship and I want children. I never wanted that. Is it that I only try to live up to society’s expectations . Or is it just that N changed me so much, feeling this love changed me so much and gave a new purpose to live for and I can’t fulfill it?
I often dream with my father and mostly we’re arguing. Does it mean we have unsolved issues?
I have very mixed feelings regarding him.
I mostly (like 95%) have good feedback on me and my performance and everything yet I’m not feeling alright and I don’t believe it.
I don’t feel motivated at all. I have plans for the future but I don’t do anything to achieve them. When I was a child I wanted to be a published writer, interviewed by a well – known international magazine and do something that has an affect on thousands of people all over the world. And by 26 I had it all. I think that’s the moment I should have died but due to some catastrophic misunderstanding I didn’t. Ever since then I’m just going down. I’m a failure and I’m lost. I only bring bad stuff for everyone like I’m a curse. I can’t trust, I’m growing suspicious and paranoid and I constantly feel left out and betrayed.
I have anxiety attacks and I can’t fight them off. I don’t know what triggers them and how to prevent them.
All I want is to feel loved. Feel loved for who I am and not for what I am.
When I don’t feel OK I’m scared and when I’m scared I hurt people because of my fear accusing them and becoming dictatorial and aggressive and then feeling guilty after that.
I can’t convince myself of reality no matter how many reasonable explanations I bring up.
The words I use the most often are thanks and sorry. Like I feel grateful for having the opportunity to do a favour.
I just want to be normal. Not this screwed up person I have. I’d like to get to a stage where I can say I’m good at something. Where I believe I’m good at something.


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