What I love about me being blonde again is the laziness. When I’m red I have to put all the make up on (foundation, lipstick, eye contour, eyebrow colouring, shaping, bronzer, blusher, etc) otherwise I just look pale and crappy and everyone asks if I was feeling alright because I looked ill. But with blonde I can be lazy and just put on the foundation, fix my eyebrow a little bit (I plucked it a little bit too much at one point as I was trying to shape it nicely and ever since I have to use pencil to correct it and make it somewhat visible) and I’m ready to grow. Nobody asked if I was feeling unwell. YEAY! Hello blonde world!!!

And to be honest I’m not really in the mood to wear strong make up right now. I feel too weak and fragile for that. and being blonde and pale and not standing out of the crowd is good at the moment. Comfortable.

I also noticed while I was red I was able to wear strong lipstick and having smoky eyes at the same time, being blonde I have to choose between lips or eyes because the two doesn’t work together. Or just some middle road, some eye make up and some rather natural and not too bright lipstick. A little bronzer or blusher. And that’s it. Otherwise it’s just too much and I look very cheap and bitchy and that’s not me. To be honest, I don’t like the trends reflected on celebrities who show their practically naked body everywhere they go, showing their boobs, legs and bums and panties. I might be an oldschool person but I don’t like showing everything and wearing tons of makeup with fake eyelashes. I wear make up, don’t be mistaken. Quite a lot, every day, heavy make up but compared to teenagers and starlets and celebrities I’m pretty decent. Sometimes I feel like a whole world around me is full of porn stars as that’s what I’m seeing everywhere I go and I think that’s wrong. Stars from Madonna to Miley Cyrus to Rihanna are wearing barely there leotards showing everything and I think that just doesn’t show us ‘common’ people the right body image and self-image. I know I’m suffering from low self-esteem and less than nothing self respect but I don’t think showing up like that would help me at all. There’s a reason underwear is called UNDERWEAR!

Well, I went kind of sideways because I wanted to write about depression and the stigma that surrounds mental health and mental issues. People who are having mental issues as ashamed in general and they don’t speak up. They try to hide it but the thing is suffering from depression or anxiety is like having a viral or bacterial infection. It is a health issue. You can’t just say to someone with depression to pull yourself together. That’s not what you tell someone having a food poising, right? You don’t tell them, ‘ Hey you, I get it you have a food infection but can you just stop this nonsense and stop throwing up?’

I found the below cartoon somewhere online while browsing during holiday (and I’m really sorry I don’t know the website’s address so I cannot credit it…) and I think it clearly explains the issues with mental health. Well, the fact people don’t treat it as an illness.

Strangely I noticed there are more and more campaigns trying to raise awareness of mental health. I don’t know whether I see these because I’m focused on depression or it really starts improving like cancer research and cancer awareness campaigns and charities but it definitely feels good to see people are realising it’s an issue and we have to handle it. It turned out that other members of my family both on maternal and paternal side have some issues as well which I didn’t know about until I started talking about it. Talking about my problems, the nightmares I’m facing with, and everyday difficulties.

I’m a bit anxious about my appointment next week and I hope I can work with my therapist and she will be able to help me. I hope I can tell her everything that bothers me. I won’t talk about N. As he’s ignoring me and it’s easy to talk about it and find the right words and describe the feeling of hopeless love is easy everybody thinks he caused my problems. He did not. I just found it easy to talk about him and I found that was the only thing I was able to talk about. I couldn’t describe the rest of the mess I had in me, the other things and frustrations so I just talked about what I could talk about. Therefore everybody thinks it’s his fault and he put me in this position and I’m desperate because he doesn’t love me. People say I’ll find someone who loves me the way I love him but my problem doesn’t stop with this. Obviously it helps finding someone who loves me and whose love I can accept and who I love and having all this in one single person but it doesn’t solve my issues. N can’t solve my issues. He could help but eventually I have to come to terms with myself. It’s like the therapist. I know she won’t be able to solve my problems but I hope she will be able to point me to the right direction. I know the medication I’m taking is not a solution and it doesn’t solve my problems either. It just hides them and helps me find my way, helps me cope with everyday life and moderates the daily struggles I’m having but it is not a solution and I cannot wait for the day when I can finally stop taking it but up until the point I’m strong and balanced enough to take a risk I take the medication.

I started planning my next holiday in the meantime. Second half of May. I’ll have my school reunion 30th May. 15 years! I have 23 weeks left until I travel. I already feel the warm May sun on my skin. Something to look forward to. Just like our finance department’s Christmas dinner tonight with three lovely members of my team. YEAY!


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