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My holiday is coming to its end which means I have to go back to reality and face my depression and anxiety again. Although I was struggling sometimes during my trip yet I was more or less able to manage it. I had a panic attack with no apparent reason but it only happened once. I’ve been thinking on what my sister said quite a lot but I’m not sure where I stand with it. Finally I have my appointment for therapy and I truly hope I sort a few things out by then.
The last couple of days brought restless nights again with terrifying dreams. Last night I met my deceased loved ones and we were talking about heritage and I felt my fighter attitude against my father and it was exhausting. The worst was the night before though. A group of people and other creatures (animals, pets, extinct animals like dinosaurs, etc ) were transported to a new world, without life and we were supposed to restart everything. It was all really chaotic and I remember a lot. People wanted to give up surviving and I said a desperate monologue and I felt really lost and vulnerable. I remember I said we are different from animals because we have creativity and perseverance and we must not give it up. A bit later I met N. He was full of wounds and scars. His back, his chest, his full torso actually was covered with fresh wounds and healed scars and somehow I had the feeling I caused them. It felt bad. I felt so bad. I didn’t know I hurt him so much. I was sorry and it was so painful I started crying. That’s when I woke up. I can still see his wounds. It still feels bad. And I still have tears in my eyes.

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