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I found something interesting. Well, I observed. I might be a professional observer. It’s always been clear to me I have a low self-esteem but I was able to hide it more or less and it wasn’t a constant feeling but rather waves of insecurity. Regular waves but not too deep. By now I got to the point I have no self-esteem I guess. I was at my hairdresser and when I booked my next appointment I told her if she’s very busy I’m happy to wait another week or two because it’s just before Christmas and I know how busy she may get. Like I was less important than anyone else or I’m less worthy than everyone else. Everyone else I don’t even know. She obviously said no but I started wondering why I think everyone else is more important than me. No answer so far.

Also, I try to be open and not keeping secrets and hiding things from people I trust but sometimes this honesty screws up my relationships and I wouldn’t lose them hadn’t I been too opened and honest. So that’s the big question of life: should we be open and honest and trust each other or should we lie about and hide things we think to be important?

Since I’m not being well I’m suffering from earache. Pretty much in the last 18 months. It comes and goes as it likes without any apparent reason. The spiritual/holistic meaning of earache is we don’t want to hear something. And I should listen to my inner voice. Well, my inner voice says I want to live, I want to be loved, I want to feel worthy and I want to move on. I want to create my own safe haven and I want people around me who really care for me and who are there if I need them.

I plan to do some changes once I’m back from holiday and we’ll see how it goes. I try to pull myself together and work on the things I have and I also start harassing my GP to push me through on the waiting list for my therapy if it’s possible. And I want to cook new foods and from January I want to join a yoga class.

I’m already scared of it. Where will I find the strength to do everything?

I feel some changes in me, in my attitude. I wouldn’t call it motivation or plan I just feel I have to change things and I know what and what I’d like to try. I don’t feel strong enough yet but this is the most lasting plan I’ve had for a while. I’m not just saying I want to change things or I have to and I try to force it on myself. I really feel I want to change. It comes from inside. Is my inner voice finally finding a way to be heard? It’s a weak voice, a weak feeling but it’s there since last Thursday. I have ideas and thoughts how and what to change. I’m just not sure but I feel that’s the right way and I feel it’s in harmony with me. There’s me again I think. I’d like to think what I feel and act how I feel. To be in harmony and peace with me. Me and the world.

I hope this time it’s the real change. I believed it so many times something’s finally changing but it was either just a fake glimpse of the new world or a bunch of new inspirations that just didn’t stick around.

And because of this desired harmony, because of this aim I cannot live in lies. I cannot hide things that are important. Probably I haven’t shared it with the right people.

“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’”

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