Friends are like freckles: when your sun’s out they’re all over the place around you but only the real ones stay when clouds gather above your head.
It’s something that came to my mind this morning. One of my friendships might be on the rocks and I don’t know how to fix it. I try to fight for it as that’s the best I can do. It seems he didn’t just destroy me, or rather the love I feel for him but it also destroys my friendships by either trying to protect him from my friends or by trying to avoid him when he is with my friends… I have to come up with a solution for this. I’m too deeply wounded and confused. Hurt. And lost.
And today I go to depression self-help group therapy thing. First time ever. I’m utterly scared. I’ll meet strangers. I imagine I have to talk to them, at least just introduce myself. The idea of meeting strangers and talking to them freaks me out I try and worst comes worst I run out screaming… or they just lock me up there… Well, this public speech is what they do on group therapy in movies so I guess that will happen.
Helen told me I can ease my anxiety by picturing them without dress as they all lose their seriousness in that case. I prefer picturing them on the toilet as it really makes them little and hilarious at the same time. And then a sudden thought just struck me: they may picture me naked or on the toilet. I’m not only talking to a bunch of strangers but I’ll be standing in front of them naked. Not something relaxing thought. Although as I understand there’ll be a speaker tonight, some author who wrote a book about depression. We’ll see how it works.
At least I go out and I meet new people. Crazy people but people. I force myself to stop my isolation even if it scares me. I know I must do things to save myself, to keep me moving forward or at least to stop me from falling again. That’s why I get up every morning, coming to work, doing what I can and then going home. Isolation is one of the biggest issues in depression. When you give up the will to meet others, to do things, to mingle, to get new inspirations and new views every day. In isolation you lose your sense of reality. Your connection, your judgement and everything will be painfully shard around you until you start hurting yourself. That’s the way down. I want to go up. I just don’t know how.
I have plans for the future, things I’d like to achieve (roll on Euromillions!!!), ways how I’d like to help others, short term targets, everything. I just don’t feel motivated to reach them at all. I lost my motivation. I still want to do them but if I don’t I just put it down as being a failure and I accept it without fighting for my dreams. That’s isolation too. You’re isolating yourself from your dreams, look at them as an outsider not caring if they come true or not. It’s empty. You eventually let your dreams die with this isolation. Once your dreams are dead you’re dead. I want to live. I want to live again. Dream again. Believe in my dreams. Follow them, chase them.
Still, the thought of talking to strangers scares me. It doesn’t hold me back, it’s doesn’t freeze me, I changed somewhat but I’m still afraid of talking in front of people. I’m afraid I show the easy side of me, playing and joking to hide what a failure I am. What a huge mess I’m in. Faking happiness and joy. If only people knew how deeply troubled I am. But they can’t come that close. I’m not making that mistake again to show who I am… I don’t want to get hurt again… Isolation… Lock down… Freckles that seem to stick around. Will they be my freckles for good?