You meet a lot of people in your life. Some turn out to be a real friend, some just pretend to be a friend but they never become friends and with the first bumps in your relationship just breaks it all and you part ways. And there are those who you think to be your real friends and after a shorter time you realise they don’t want you, they don’t want to spend time with you, they no longer call you, they no longer organise gatherings together. These are the ones that really suck. Because you thought you’re worthy for their friendship and it turns out you’ve never really been friends. Your path just met for a short time and that’s it. There comes the disappointment because you really loved them, you thought you became real friends but you’re not.
When your self-esteem is down and you meet people like this it can crush you.
And I’m on a very good way to relapse into the agonistic, hopeless and dark void. I’m scared and I don’t know how to solve it. I don’t understand why I’m not worthy for people and I know something’s wrong with me I just don’t see but it seems nobody has the decency to tell me in my face.
I can’t cope with this. This constant disappointment, this struggle, trusting people, welcoming them in my life, loving them, trying to give them everything, standing by them when they feel alone, when they need help and then being dumped when someone new turns up.
I feel they’re ashamed of me. I feel they lie to me. I feel I’m not worth of being part of their lives.
God, I need therapy. I need to get fixed because I can no longer bear the pain, the isolation, getting hurt again and again and feeling ashamed, humiliated and worthless. How could I find strength? How could I find light? A way out? Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to solve this? Can it be solved at all? I’m lost and alone. Abandoned. What’s wrong with me? Help me see it!
Because there’s no point in getting up in the morning or breathing right now. There’s no point doing an effort to make it through the day. Nothing changes today. Nothing changes tomorrow. Nothing ever changes. And it is all my fault and I don’t know how to fix it and I can’t see what the issue is I just know something is wrong and I’m faulty.
I feel disgusted that I can’t solve this. I am a failure. How could I help others to feel better if I can’t even hold myself straight?
And I’m scared. It’s getting dark again and cold. I no longer see Happyland and I’m no longer sure it exists at all or I have place being there.
Help me! I’m shouting and screaming in the dark but there are walls around and nobody hears me. Nobody listens to me. Nobody wants to hear me… and I don’t want to tell it to anyone. Anymore. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling down and I’m tired of talking about it. I just want to hide. Hide it all away…