So this is how it works. I woke up 3am from a strange and rather weird dream. I had a polar bear cub as a pet and I tried to train it like a dog. We went out for a walk early morning, there was cold and snow everywhere and then we went into a house and the owner of the house looked grumpy and I think we just woke him up. Oh, and that grumpy man drinking his morning coffee was Hitler. I apologised and left quickly with my pet. The pet wanted to run to the left but I wanted to go on the right so it quickly turned and a car nearly ran it over but luckily they managed to stop. And then we were just walking. There was also a nice guy on the way but I think I had mixed feelings about him. That part is a bit blurry. And then I woke up. As it was very early I tried to fall asleep again but it’s not as easy as I thought.
I sort of had the following conversation in my mind with me:
– OK I have to fall asleep. I have 3 more hours, I can’t just waste it. OK, I closed my eyes, breathing slowly and deeply. Hmm, actually I like this music (I listen to relaxation music when asleep). It feels like I’m really in a forest. All the birds are tweeting, there’s light wind, I can feel the sun as it breaks through all those beautiful green leaves. I can smell the fresh flowers and the ground, all the nature, it’s so relaxing. Oh, there’s a squirrel running, how exciting!
–  SNAP!!!! Empty your mind. You are in your bed, in the dark and you have to sleep. Like now. don’t think of the forest! You’re in bed. Just imagine you’re lying in bed, ready to fall asleep and then you just fall asleep.
– OK, but how does that bad look like? Is it single or double? And the room? Is it pitch dark or there’s some light around, like the candles were still burning. I can see myself, in the bed, and N is there too. It’s so relaxing and it feels so good to have him next to me.
–  NO! N is not there. Just sleep!
–  OK, N is not there. But there’s a nice baldachin above the bed and I can hear crickets from the garden and all the nice voices of a night forest and a light breeze. The curtain is blown softly, the windows are opened. The candlelight glows in the room and there’s dark outside. The bedframe is dark brown and I’m in the middle of it. It totally looks like the bed in Serangoon Road, the series where that woman and the guy meet. The guy actually looks a little bit like Javier Bardem but he’s Australian. I don’t even know if I really fancy him or not. He’s not that bad. But why was I thinking of Serangoon Road?? I watched Doctor Who last night so it would have been more likely to dream about Doctor Who. Although I didn’t really like it. It’s not bad but, well, I give it some time to see what I really think.
–  Ok-OK, I’m doing it. My mind is clear. Eyes closed. How do I fall asleep? Do I just keep waiting and then it happens? I guess so. So I just wait. Right. I can do that. I don’t really understand how Hitler came to my dream. I didn’t even read or watch anything regarding him. Or WW II or holocaust. Nothing. It wasn’t pleasant.
– Alright, I try. Why is it so hard? OK, let’s clear my mind again. Good. It’s empty. So now I’m ready to sleep again. I wonder what time it is. It must be around 4 by now. I think I’m a bit cold. No, I don’t check the time. That would definitely wake me up. I wish N was here.
– Stop it! You mean nothing to him. Just a bitch he can screw from time to time. You mean nothing. You are nothing.
– It’s bad. This is bad. It mustn’t go down that way. I’m worthy. I have to be. I’m not nothing. I’m a worthy person, I have values like, eeer, no-no-no-no, I have to stop it. How do I stop it??? God, I’m panicking. How can I find something that’s worthy in me when I can’t even believe I’m worthy. OK, deep breath and stop thinking. Clear your mind, don’t think of anything.
– OK, keep breathing. It’s alright, it’s gonna be alright. That’s it. Just breath. It doesn’t matter where you are. You can be in that bed with baldachin, think of anyone or anything, just breathe. You’ll be alright. Just breath. See the bed, as you’re lying in there, feel the candles and the summer breeze. Just breathe and relax. Eyes closed. Just relax. You can sleep and when you wake up a new world welcomes and all your problems will be left behind. You can sleep.
– OK, I breathe. But how can I fall asleep?

What is this? Alarm. Already? 6.30? Did I fall asleep then? Am I worthy then? Are my problems left behind? N’s not here. Never will he be. I might not be worthy. Am I worthy? He doesn’t think so. Do I think so? I don’t know. I’m not sure. I don’t think. Just move. One step and another. Trying to leave last night behind…


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