I’ve not been feeling well in the last couple of weeks so I was eating like crazy and I wasn’t doing too much exercise but as I’m feeling better today I started my day with 15 leg lifting (while still in bed), 30 squats (that’s out of bed…) and because I have a plank challenge for October I started practising for that. I did 10 seconds plank (and after that I just collapsed to the floor).

The plan is I keep doing my squat challenge as planned originally and then I add the plank challenge. I don’t think I go out running for a while but I’ll do at least 30 minutes (preferably an hour) walking every evening. Which is above my usual walking to work plan.

I start therapy tomorrow and I hope it’ll go well because sometimes I feel I just start going crazy. In spite of all sensible reasoning I can convince myself about different things and I start worrying about them. I had a swollen lymph node for a couple of weeks and when I told it to my GP he asked me if there’s any other lumps in my body. When I said no he asked me if I was sure. I said I was. I knew he asked it to make sure I don’t have a cancer although he didn’t mention it. 5 minutes later I was sure I had cancer and then it’ll be a long treatment and I might not survive and as a matter of fact I don’t have much time left. Obviously I was shaking all day. I was 90% sure my swollen lymph node was a symptom of the anxiety and stress I’ve been suffering from because of my exams. When I cancelled my exams and the pressure started to ease the lymph node started to go back to normal immediately. So when I went to the GP two days later it was smaller than before and less painful. Yet I was a 100% sure I had cancer. Next day I laughed it off and realised how silly it was. I was amazed what the mind can do to you.

As I experienced it and I knew how it works and all the cognitive behaviour solutions for this nonsense behaviour is in my mind I decided I’d use it next time. Well, last Friday I was pregnant. I had 1% slight chance of actually being pregnant. I knew it. But I had symptoms and although I knew these are simply can be symptoms of depression, anxiety and 99% they are I was still sure I was pregnant. SO my symptoms:

  • I’m emotionally sensitive (can be just simple hormones, lack of sleep, etc)
  • I was craving for apricot icecream (I don’t know how I came up with this idea but probably my body needed something I associated with apricot and ice cream. I love apricot, to be honest)
  • I was constantly tired (lack of sleep???!!!)
  • I was sensitive to smells (I’m always sensitive to smells, have always been…)
  • I was craving for a nice veggie burger and chips (hello!!! It’s totally normal that a normal person craves for something she likes but she can’t eat often due to the high calorie content of that certain food!)
  • I was eating lots of chocolates and I was eating more in general (I always eat lot of chocolates and I love eating and I’m a comfort-eater anyway. High level of anxiety = lot of food intake)
  • What if the pill didn’t work (that’s a reasonable to be honest but chances are slow. I give the 1% to that)
  • I feel sick in the morning and during the day sometimes (yeah, STREEESSSS!!!! Or eating too much)

So because of all the above symptoms I was pregnant. I tried reasoning yet I couldn’t convince myself. Now I no longer think I’m pregnant. (Guess what, I slept through the night without any vicious nightmare and I only woke up twice or three times!)

I can’t wait to find out what my mind comes up with next time.

But for the moment I just enjoy not being down but feeling good and not thinking of what comes next. OK, this is not working because I’m thinking about it but I keep ignoring. Ignorance is my current way of life. Obviously it doesn’t work…

Oh, and I started a new ‘beauty’ regime this morning. I can’t wash my face because it seems my facial skin is not too keen on getting in touch with all the chemicals in tap water so I started using Evian water on the cotton pad and on my face to remove the cleanser. I think I’m brilliant that I spend money on Evian facial spray when I can use just a spritzer bottle and fill some Evian water in it. I’m so proud of myself for coming up with this brilliant idea. I clearly lost the plot!


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