Most of the times when I have a nightmare I have to save someone. Either somebody I love or myself. Most of the times that somebody is him. I think I just figured it out why. Since he’s using me (with my acceptance and acknowledgement [sort of]) all my friends who love and care for me just attack him and say things and I try to protect him from them. I try to protect the love I feel as it’s so precious and fragile. It needs a sanctuary and that sanctuary is my heart. That’s where he is. When my friends make me face with reality and say he’s an a*hole and he’s just using me and I’m jumping as he wants they hurt me. I know they only want to protect me but they put such a tremendous pressure on me I can’t handle it anymore. I know they are right and I know they only want the best for me but it doesn’t help.
Although he’s just using me, he’s the only person who can make me feel safe and can keep me calm. The couple of hours I eventually get to spend with him means life for me. Two hours rest from the constant nighmares, that nerve-wrecking feeling in your stomach. I don’t want him to know what people tell about him. I don’t want people judge him. I take the blame and I try my best and hardest to protect him. I don’t want people hurt him because I couldn’t bear that pain.
I know what we do is not right but for me it’s Catch 22. The sweetest and most poisonous catch 22 ever in my life. It’s not a long term solution but it helps in the short term.
I’d like people to understand it. People to understand how much I need him. I’d love to have some super powers to keep him safe from judgements and comments. I know we make mistakes, I know I make mistakes and I try not to make them. He’s an exception. I don’t know how to move on, how to make me want to really move on. When I’m fragile and trembling I can’t just give up the only haven I can find.