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I wanted to keep it to myself. Not to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone people to tell him they know about us. Not to mention him what he’s doing is bad. What I’m doing is bad too. But he’s the one I feel safe with. I can’t do anything against it. It’s not that you make a decision in your brain and you give an order to your heart not to love someone or not to feel safe. I had two terrible last night, during the four hours I slept. I was awake. I was browsing something on my phone when he texted me. I screamed. Literally. I got scared as the phone vibrated in my hands. Is that normal? Is that normal I’m jumpy? That I feel anxious all the time? I get stress – sweat if anything exciting happens regardless it’s good or bad? Is that normal I overreact everything? That I have nightmares every night? Scary, vivid and lively nightmares that I actually have to think if it’s reality or not when I wake up? I don’t think it is.
So I met him last night. I thought during the hour and a half I calmed down after my nightmare. When he kept me in his arms I started shaking, I nearly cried.  That’s when I started calming down. That’s when I finally felt safe enough to relax a bit. All the nerves in my stomach finally relaxed for that 2 hours I spent with him.
I know I mean nothing to him. I’m nobody who answers his booty-calls. But those minutes of safety mean life to me. Hope I can overcome my depression  and anxiety some time in the future. For good. He gives me that hope and the energy to keep fighting when I’m tires or when I feel no will to keep going on anymore.
He uses me and I let him use him. Both guilty. But if they hurt him they hurt me. If I hurt him I hurt myself more.  Catch 22.
I just don’t want people to judge him for the way he treats me. I want him to be seen as the person who he is. A great and valuable friend, who deserves only the best. OK,  I might over value him but he definitely doesn’t deserve for being told off for using me. It’s my choice ad well. Yes Ma’am/Sir, I’m guilty. I’m guilty in feeling love and in protecting the one I love more than my own life. I’m guilty in fighting for my own life in every dirty way I can. And I’m guilty in hoping he might just feel something. That I might mean something more to him than a broken nobody. Yes, I’m guilty in hoping. Again.

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