Once you move abroad you just linger. You left your country behind, family and friends and everything that surrounded you. In the new place, the new home it takes time to fit in and you’ll never really belong there no matter how much you like it or how long you live there. However you can’t go back. You no longer belong to the place you left behind. It’s not your home anymore. You’re stuck between the old life and the new life. When I made this decision I didn’t know this. I don’t think anyone knows this. There are some who keep returning to their old lives desperately being too afraid to leave everything behind and they find it even harder to fit in. I try to cut my links. It doesn’t mean new home or the new environment is bad it’s just not fully yours. I entered the road of travellers’ and I’m lingering everywhere, not really belonging to a place. I belong to people. Most of them are also lingering. Home? Maybe the one I love, the one I belong to, the one person I feel safe with. He might be home. I left past binds behind to run free and I stopped running for a while.
It’s like being lost in a dark forest and you’re waiting for dawn to see the sun again to run again and fly but in the dark you’re too scared to move. Not one step. Not a breath. It’s dark for a long. Way too long, and the dawn just doesn’t want to arrive. You’re cold, lost but you’re hopes are still high. It’s not just the hope. It’s knowledge. The eternal and almighty knowledge. Knowing that dawn will come, it will definitely come. You just have to be patient. You learn patience but your knowledge is trembling. You keep asking when it comes. If it comes at all.
Stressed and anxious. Not moving because you might fall in the deep. Or something attacks you. Something dark and scary. Or you might turn against yourself. So you keep shallowly breathing. Silent. Waiting. When every last piece of nerve of yours is ready to jump. You wait, you learn patience in the dark and holding on to the hope of knowledge.
You can’t fail. Not again. Not anymore. There’s a lot to lose. There’s everything to lose. Your friends. Your love. Your family. Your money. Yourself. And then would be nothing left and nobody. If you fail and lose everything and everyone that’s ever been important by the time dawn comes what’s the point of you staying alive. The smallest failure is a failure and failure makes you lose something every time. You learn from it but it destroys you. Eventually you got there to feel you’re destined for failure. You can’t live like that. and it’s still dark and dawn is not coming. You’re cold, alone and afraid. Scared. No longer scared of the beasts of the night but scared of yourself. The arch-enemy. The one who knows you better than anyone else. Knows your weakest point. You hear voices in your head, all saying about their love for you, how important you are and unique and you cannot believe them anymore. It’s still dark there. You straighten your muscles, pain goes through your soul. You stand still, looking for dawn. Hold your head up high ignoring every doubt. But it’s there. Loud and getting louder. You hold on to your hope. The hope dawn is on its way, the sun will rise and you’ll see the lights, feel the warm again and have the strength to fight against the beasts who take the light away…