I’m worried. Anxious. I’m worried I might be relapsing. I’m not sure I’m worthy for being loved. I have a colleague and we were fairly close but in the last one year we barely had any time due to our hectic work schedule but I thought we’re still fairly close. I learnt today from another colleague she’s expecting a baby. It really upset me. You know the feeling when you realise you’re no longer important to someone. It hurts and upsets me.
Although it made me realise I am a terrible friend. All I can think of is me and my little problems and I don’t really take care of my friends and now I started worrying I might lose them. I don’t want to lose them as they’re the only ones I have left, they’re my fortress and my belief. They keep me going on every day, they make me feel butterflies when I go on holiday so I can finally see them again.
I’d like to change and live for them, live for my dreams it’s just a hard work.
When I was younger I thought I can change the whole world and now it seems the world changed me. Sometimes I feel I’m surrounded by lunatics who make me feel crazy and it makes me wonder whether I’m really crazy or not. That’s when I need my friends and I just don’t pay enough attention to them.
I talked to one of my close friends who’s always been important to me and I asked him what was wrong with me, what was the reason he didn’t want to be with me. He didn’t say anything. He said it was all his fault and he probably never loved someone. It can’t be it’s all their fault. Something must be wrong with me and I’d like to know it but nobody’s telling me the truth.
It seems I lost Dom as well, with no reason or explanation. I wonder why and no matter how many times I go through things I’ve done or said I can’t find it. I can’t find the key, the thing I have to change.
I no longer want to change the world. I broke my dreams. My dreams broke me. Now all I want is to live an average life, with a husband and two kids, in an average house, having a dog, doing my own business, counselling, living a healthy life and enjoying the sunset at the end of the day.
But I’m not worthy. I’m a bad person. I’m bad because I’m selfish and I don’t care and eventually I upset everyone and I lose them.
I’m not sure I’m happy for having feelings. Better without them. I get I wouldn’t feel happy but at least I wouldn’t feel pain, humiliation, being abandoned, wouldn’t be bad. I would just be. A neutral and emotionless cold piece of stone. Living in peace and harmony. Not worrying or not being anxious, not caring or loving, not hurting and offending.
I no longer want to change the world. I want to be a stone. Not to feel the warm, not to see the sunrise. Just being a heartless stone.
I’m tired of telling everyone I’m not OK, I’m tires of not being OK. I’m tired of fighting for me.