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I’m re-launching my diet today.

With all my depression and recovery issues I managed to gain a lot of weight. I’m not as big as I was before I started my original diet more than a year ago but I’m definitely going towards that way and I really don’t like what I see in the mirror.

I’m already dreading to go out running as the weather is not so nice and it’s cold outside and it’ll be so hard but I found a motivation. I’m still struggling with doing things for myself but there’s someone I might see in a few weeks and although I know I won’t be looking good but hopefully I’ll be in a better shape than I am now. I was really proud of myself when I managed to lose weight and I felt better but now I don’t feel good and other than my pride it really takes a toll on my health as well. So it’s no longer really a choice, I must do it and that’s it.

To be honest this friend is very strange. In a good way. You know I believe in guardian angels and seemingly I have a whole army of angels guarding me or just one very busy who keeps changing his shape. This friend always finds me at the right time and kicks me right where I have to be kicked to get moving and start changing. No matter if it’s something physical, or the way I think, or with dating as well. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been on a series of dates and some were good, kind of good at least but there were a few where I already knew it’s not going to work. Strangely he always turned up just before or during these dates. There was one who I really enjoyed being with and he didn’t text me. All the other times, just before my date he did. He didn’t even know I was dating or anything. He gives me a lot of inspiration and makes me think all the time and to be honest he’s a pretty good distraction from N and keeps my mind occupied when I have any time to start wondering…

I’m starting to be very opened with him as well and that’s strange as I usually don’t tell things to anyone I tell him. But as long as he’s my guardian angel he ought to know it, right? I have the strangest guardian angels I bet. Definitely not the ones you’d usually picture or you’d consider to be a saint.

One of my friends told me I go for the rotten apples all the time. There are plenty of apples under a tree and I go for the one that is practically already a wasp-nest, and I know that, yet I pick it up and bite it. I’m not interested in the nice apples which is really strange but pretty much that’s how it works with me. The wasp-nests are far more interesting and I always hope I find the sweetest spot in them and I can have it. No matter how many wasps would bite me until I find it, I go, break myself just to have that one sweet bite of the apple that no one else knows about.

I go out running soon and I think in the meantime I try to invent a calorie-free chocolate cake.

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