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The other day I started emailing a guy and I managed to lower his expectations. I told him my negativities, sort of, although I meant it in a funny way, I’m not quite sure he got it and I’m fairly sure he’s not really interested. So I decided to send him an email (because I always have to have the last word, I know, it’s annoying) but as I started writing it turned out to be something else. I realised I try to find myself so I think I started define who I am. I think it’s a pretty healthy image what I have and I know I have negative things as well but now I’m just trying to focus on the positive ones, the good things in life, the good in me.

I’m caring, talented in writing, I’m really good at giving massages, I’m entertaining, my ‘walking-disaster’ accidents are funny and people remember that for a long day (like falling from the loft through the ceiling), I pick up foreign languages fairly quickly, I’m passionate (which I put as a positive as I think it’s far more better to be passionate than cold), I’m grateful to be alive and I’m happy to have great people around me. I have four best friends, we’re friends for a while, more than 10 years I’d say, two of them live in Hungary, one in Australia and one in Austria (which is like Australia without kangaroos and ocean and deserts but with mountains), I learnt to appreciate the small things in life (like sun right after the rain, or sun while it’s still raining and it looks like thousands of diamonds), I’d do anything for those I love, loyal to the people I love and my love lasts forever. I’m not the ‘I-love-you-today-but-I-don’t-care-tomorrow’ person, I also keep my promises, I take responsibility for whatever I do, I try to be honest and anytime I’m not telling the truth it’s because of politeness or I try to avoid the offending someone (so the usual white lies) but not in major things. I don’t cheat on my partner. I’m naïve and apparently my naivety has no limits. I believe what people tell me because why would they lie to anyone. I believe there’s good in everyone and I go until I find it in someone. It’s like a hunt for a hidden gem and everybody’s heart is full of diamonds. I like nice things or dining out or having a nice car (if I had a driving licence), etc but one genuine hug is more valuable than all the diamonds on the world. I don’t need fancy things to feel appreciated or feel good.

I sense if someone is not genuine and that really confuses me and kicks me out of balance. No matter if they’re dishonest with me or dishonest with themselves, I feel it’s not right. I have a special skill to see if something’s wrong in a mass-data. I don’t always find it immediately or I don’t necessary know the solution but I just know if something’s not good. It’s the same with lies. And the truth eventually finds me.

I like staying in the background. I’m not sure if it’s positive or not but I feel more comfortable staying behind the curtain and talking to more than 4 people at the same time just makes me nervous but I do that if I have to. I’m rather a support person than a leader, I can help others dreams come true, mainly at work but I know I am or I will be the same with my other half once I find him. Or her who is not likely but I keep that option open.

Once I asked people who know me to say positive things about me to remind me the good things I am and one of them said it’s good to be around me because I make people safe, accepted and appreciated.

I think I was a knight in my past life or a good pirate, definitely someone who fought a lot for a good cause and travelled a lot. I still like adventures and there are many places on my bucket-list to go to, one of them is Petra in Syria where I wanted to go with my brother but we never got around it and now it’s just too late.

My father’s and my brother’s death made me realise not to wait for things to happen or things to do as there might not be tomorrow. Not to leave someone with offence and harms as there might not be a chance to fix it.

When I concentrate on my work and there’s something I really have to focus I look very angry but that’s not my angry face, that’s my concentrating face. My angry face is very bad and if someone crosses me then it’s like a huge storm that destroys a lot of things, and the biggest destruction is in my own soul and that cannot be repaired again therefore I try not to be angry. Usually discrimination, lies, injustice and ignorance (I’m ok to repeat something 99 times but if it’s ignored the 100th time I might just lose it) trigger my anger. I don’t really like getting into fights I rather walk away or come up with a compromise that is more or less good for both parties.

I know nothing about rugby. I thought I know something about football but apparently my ‘dreamteam’ is the last one in our league so I may consider claiming to have any knowledge.

There’s one more thing better than coffee in the morning and that’s sex in the morning. I love chocolate, in general and if there’s only one chocolate I should pick to be my favourite it would probably be chilli chocolate. I love chilli as well. My cooking knowledge is rather experimental (hence the kitchen-nightmares).

If I had a choice what animal to be I’d probably like to be a giraffe because they’re elegant and tall and they have the cutest eyes ever or some funky fish living in warm seas because I love water.

I don’t think your nationality, your colour, your name or your religion defines you, it’s only you and what you do can define who you are.

I love experimenting and trying new things, not just in the kitchen but in every area of life.

I love quality things. I love good wine.

The most romantic thing I can imagine is just lying in a hammock in the garden or just sitting in a couch, in each others’ arms, and reading without actually saying anything or just observing the world as it passes by.

I like those people who make me think, who can make me to look into myself and think about things, the way how I see the world, myself or just make try to understand myself and define who I am, who I’d like to be and how to get there.

I don’t like playing with emotions. There are certain people who I can relate to very quickly (normally the ones who are just playing) and ones who need time to warm up to and let them get close to me. They stay for a long time. I learnt forever is temporary and in any relationship both parties have to work hard to keep it alive.

I’ve just recently had a study, well read a study, The Book of Mel by eHarmony (an online dating website which I decided not to subscribe at the moment) and that’s a really interesting reading. It’s based on my answers for questions to set up my personality analysis and I’ll share it because I think it deserves a separate blog entry.

Probably I won’t send this to the guy although it’s strange he made me think and he made me value myself as well and to be honest the way how I see myself now and how I see the world is better than it was a few months ago. I think the dark ages are not fully gone yet but I’m definitely on the way to recovery. I finally feel grateful for things I am, for people I have around, for the caring I get and this is something I haven’t felt before or if I did I cannot recall it.

It is blessed. This moment. This life. I don’t think blessed means you have super powers or you’re extra rich or amazingly beautiful or very talented in something; I think blessed means God (or the Universe, or whoever/whatever you believe in or don’t believe in) gave you the skill of valuing the small things you have around you, the everyday life, the people you have; Blessed is the skill of being grateful for what you have right now even if that is ‘just’ your dream, hope or belief.

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