Have you ever wondered how you’ll look like when you’re old? I mean really old, like 70-80. Or how you’ll behave? Will you be a wise granny/grandpa or will a second childhood rebellion breaks out on you? My friends and myself as well always pictured me as a rebellious, crazy old lady with a wild heart who’ll just ride across Europe on a motorbike with her latest hunky toyboy wearing funny clothes, strong lipstick, pink messy hair and heavy make up. Still clubbing hard, young at heart. Since then many years passed and I’m no longer sure I’d be that crazy granny. Well, maybe. It sounds cool and I’d like to think I’m cool.
There’s one thing I know for sure. There will only be a few things my children/grandchildren and practically all the youngsters around me will be able to come up I haven’t tried before.
Those future children/grandchildren drove me to an insane series of date to find the daddy for those kids, to find a partner, to move on from N. But the truth is I wasn’t there. I tried to find N, a substitute for N but all I wanted in the meantime was N. It is still him. No matter how hard I tried I kept thinking of him. I dream with him nearly every night. I can’t pretend it any longer and I have to face with it I HAVEN’T MOVED ON YET.
I deleted his number because I know I’m not strong enough not to text him but I’m missing him so much.
I need more time to move on, I have to focus on myself. Luckily I have no problems going out now and my confidence is slowly crawling back to a normal level. No matter how catastrophic the dates were or how they ended (OK, none of them was that bad, they were just empty because they were not N) they made me realise I’m worthy, I can be pretty and that meant a lot.
So I think now with a cleaner head I re-launch my diet, I get back on running to make myself really confident and find my way back into life.


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