I’m at the beginning of a journey. A painful journey. I try to reconnect with myself. I don’t know how to do that. Now I’m not even sure I’ve ever been connected to myself. All I know is that I’m screwed. Probably the most screwed up person ever in the history of human kind. Yes, I am. That’s what we all think when we feel our life is a mess or we have to face problems.
Originally I started this blog to write about my diet but it turned out to be more than just a diet. It made me think. Many times I doubted myself and I lost faith whether I can slim down, whether I have enough stamina to keep running, etc. It took a while to realise the reason behind these insecurities, the origin of doubting myself, the source of my lack of self-confidence.
You know most of the times the way self-doubt works is you have an idea, you believe in it and you believe you can do it and then you tell it to others and they give you negative feedback, they assure you can’t do it, you’re not able to achieve it and then you start believing them and listening to their voices rather than your inner voice. Finally you give up your plans, you put your inner strength on mute and then you accept you’re not good enough. In my case it’s the opposite. My environment suggests I’m good, I’m smart, I’m nice, I’m hard-working, I’m capable, I have a nice hair, soft hands, soft skin, I’d be a good wife one day, I’m caring, I’m pretty, etc but what I feel is different. I feel I’m not perfect. I feel I’m not good enough, I’m stupid, I’m ugly, I’m lazy, I’m not able to get by my own, my hair is a mess, my hands and skin are not soft because it could be much softer, how could I be a good wife when there are so many things I’m not great at, like I can’t even get the guy I love, I’m not caring, I told you already I’m ugly and on and on and on. Sometimes I just want to shout at them loud to let them know I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT??!!! Sometimes it just feels they lie to me and they tell me nice things only to make me feel better. They must see how unworthy I am and they must see how miserable I feel so they try to encourage me.
It’s hell.
Like somehow my mind knows I’m good but my heart says I’m not. I try to be perfect hoping that perfect makes me someone worthy. Someone who deserves to be accepted. To be loved.
There are two reasons why I have this recognition. I’ve always been like this I think but I ignored this fact but a few things changed and it makes me face my struggle.
One of them is love. That will have its own post as it’s another issue with the problems of its own.
The other is I bumped into an article about Brene Brown’s book and it caught my attention. I watched her talking about vulnerability and it finally made me realise what my problem is. That I have a problem.
This blog will be about this self-building and self-helping journey. I’ll go through her books. I read them. I try to understand them. I try to change myself. I try to accept myself. I may be daring enough to find something likeable in myself. At the moment, I seriously doubt it.
But I hope. I hope I find myself. I hope I find my place in this world. I hope I find love. I hope someone finds me worthy enough to love me.


2 thoughts on “Am I enough

  1. I wanted to like your post, but that sounds silly. I don’t like how you feel so screwed up. But believe it or not, i kind of know how you feel.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s