It all started when we met. Well, not exactly. Rather when we became friends. When we first met we were kind of OK we were talking and that’s it. We had mutual friends so we eventually met in parties but then my brother died and I was trying to escape to the void from the emptiness he left. We didn’t meet for a while; we both kept going on with our separate lives. Then there was a party in April and we had fun, chatting again but I was busy with my exams. We agreed to meet up after my exams. I mentioned I keep entertaining my best friend by sending part of the lyrics of songs I like and she has to guess it and that sounded interesting. So I added another phone number to the recipient list but I haven’t sent any text for a month as we were not that close. I wasn’t sure if we’d get on at all and I was too afraid entering out in the world again from my safe void. I was still processing the loss of my brother. Then on a morning I finally took the chance and sent the first piece of lyrics. The answer was nearly immediate. We started a turbulent texting in May and after my year-end exams I finally had the time to meet up. We were chatting for ages. We met in the afternoon and I left well after midnight. I really enjoyed our conversations, I was eager to learn everything and it was such a different conversation from the ones I had in the last couple of months. I was so excited about our meetings. Even though I was tired in the mornings because of the late night conversations I was shining. Then I started to realise it may be more than friendship. It’s not normal I’m giggling all day. I’m texting someone all day. I’m shining in the morning. I have butterflies around me before we meet. When we meet. After we meet. Everything looks like pink and sweet and candy. Why would I do it for a friend? How silly am I? I act like being in love. WHAT???!!! ME???!!! IN LOVE???!!! No way! That can’t be! Love is an evil poisonous misery and I’m not allowed to feel it at all. It screws everything! It makes me feel something else, something extreme, something that makes me weak. No-no! I can’t! It can’t happen at all! And then it strikes me. I love her! Although I technically never closed out being with a woman (why should I close out 50% of humanity to find The One, mainly that I don’t even intend to find The One?) I never had any interest in any woman. Other than, wow, she looks nice, gorgeous, sensual or anything but those were only moments, fractures in time, come and goes and that’s it. This case the feeling, this radiating ray of light was sneaking upon me and it was too late to suppress it. It couldn’t have been controlled. It would bring up all my innocence and naivety and all the vicious and mischievous lover behaviour, the foolishness and the undefeatable urge to protect her from anything. Is it really love? Do those flowers and butterflies mean I’m in love? Can I tell her I love her? How will she react? Will I lose her as a friend? WHAT IF SHE SAYS YES??? Will I really be able to be with a woman? You know, ever since I was born I was after boys. She’s a woman. This is sooo confusing. So messy. I’m a mess.
She says we’re friends only. Fine, I don’t even have to tell her. Yet, it doesn’t kill my love. WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT THAT I KEEP HOPING???!!! And why do I trust her? Why do I open up to her? Why do I let her practically analyse my deepest fears and wounds? Things I couldn’t even admit to myself! I’m lost and doomed. It goes on and on for weeks. Months.
I told my closest friends. The ones I really trust. They accepted it, they were supportive, although they were surprised as I was always into boys. Even the one I thought would hate it accepted it.
I managed to suppress the feelings, my brain managed to take some control when something happens. Just before I flew to Helsinki to work. I wanted to give all the love and comfort to her in the world to ease her pain and panic. Maybe I managed to do some easing but not a lot. We agreed if I stayed in Finland for a couple of months she’d come to visit me. As a friend. My heart was pounding. It kept hoping. I didn’t stay there and I returned to Exeter with a busy and hectic schedule at work and school. We didn’t get to spend that much time together and this little time away (and the weeks I tried to spend in retrain) help me put my brain in function over my heart and control it. I pretend to myself to be only friends and I’m quite convinced by my efforts. Something happens again and it drives me crazy I can’t help her, I can’t protect her from what she did. I have to admit no matter what I’ve ever done I couldn’t take control over my heart. It beats for her. She makes me feel strong. I feel if she’s around I’m invincible, no matter what happens she’ll be there. I can’t keep it anymore in me. I kept it for so long but not anymore. I tell her. After Christmas. Start the new year with no secrets.
I try to find time to spend with her but she’s busy, working a lot, doing overtime and planning to move. That just fits to the path of my love-life anyway. Everyone I love just leaves. Moving to another town, another country or finding their love. I start breaking my heart as I can’t change her mind and I wouldn’t like to do that because I know she’s not happy here. She can’t use her artistic skills here. There’s no opportunity for that. There’s no inspiration. It will be better for her anywhere else. She stayed too long. Breaking my links, crackings on my soul. That’s what I have to deal with. I’m desperate and devastated. I can’t hide anymore.
I told her. It wasn’t well received. She was/is infuriated (probably by other things I told as well. Or maybe just by my mere existence) and we no longer keep in touch. I’m devastated. Puzzled. I didn’t just lose someone I loved which already happened to me in the past and it was familiar. I also lost a friend. A Friend who was so close to me, who was so special that I dared to trust in her, to be honest and open up to her. It crushed me. I never lost anyone who was this close. There’s no way to make up. Some way it’s worse than losing someone close to you. This person is actually alive and you’re the only one who can’t be in touch with her. I accept it as that’s the last thing I can do for her.
I hate this feeling and the whole situation has just left hanging so many questions in me: how am I supposed to let anyone close to me again? This will haunt and I’m rubbish getting people to know me anyway. How can I block love out the next time it comes? And the most confusing is: does it mean I’m gay and I just suppressed this in me? How to find it out? The only way to find that out is to keep trying in love but love is something I manically want to avoid because I can’t bear the burden it holds.